My posting has become rather inconsistent over the last while but I am back for now. I have missed blogging terribly but somewhere in the rush through everyday life I lost momentum in terms of writing articles.
For once I can say that this break from blogging wasn’t a result of me battling emotionally. That is usually the case with my sabbaticals but this time I can honestly tell you that I am in a wonderful space emotionally. Something has changed in me over the past few months and it feels amazing. I suppose you could say I was on a journey of self-discovery.
I think my lack of blogging stems from me just living my in the moment right now. I used to be quite the planner. I would plan what my life would be in the distant future and when that distant future became the present and my plan failed it would shatter me. Making a choice to live in the moment has completely changed my life. I am less stressed and little things that would usually have made me want to crawl into a helpless hole of self-pity barely bother me at all anymore.
A good example of me planning too far ahead would be my plans of going to university this year. I have made it no secret that me not getting accepted affected me rather seriously. Even recently, I considered seeing a psychologist just to help me deal with my emotions because I kept having these major breakdowns where I would just feel utterly defeated and be unable to stop crying, however, I got through that and I am stronger now.
As you might know, I reapplied to universities with the hopes of studying next year. I was not accepted again but this time I was far better equipped to deal with the situation. There was no breakdown and, in all fairness, I did only find out on Monday so I might still be processing but I genuinely feel okay about it. I am, of course, slightly disappointed. Rejection is still rejection no matter what but I am actually grateful that I wasn’t accepted.
I have learned a lot about myself during my year off. One of the things I learned is that I don’t need to go to university to be happy. I also realised that a large part of my reason for wanting to study at a university was to be able to say I have a degree and because I felt like it was expected of me, in a way. I have no idea where I thought that pressure was coming from. It definitely wasn’t coming from my family. It is quite possible that it was all in my head because I always expect so much of myself.
I wouldn’t say that I take myself too seriously but I definitely do put a great amount of pressure on myself which makes such little sense considering the way I handle everyday situations couldn’t be further from the image of a perfectionist that the amount of pressure I put on myself seems to create. I am not a neat person so it doesn’t make sense to try to put my life into neat little packages.
It’s so unnecessary to overwhelm yourself with striving to perfection that can never be achieved. I still have moments where I try to be this image of perfection which I simply cannot achieve but realising that there is another way to live has opened so many doors for me in terms of emotional growth.
A part of me is happy I didn’t get accepted into university again because now I can explore other avenues and learn more about myself. I had a discussion with a friend the other day and we came to the conclusion that there is no need to rush life into being stable when we are still so young. I am nineteen. Very few nineteen year olds have their life sorted. Very few people even have their lives sorted in their late twenties so why pressure yourself into achieving something that you still have so much time to achieve?
This post has turned into a bit of a rant which was not intended but I am just going to go with it.
I will say that I am probably at the happiest I have been in a very long time. I feel like I know myself and the things I really desire in life far better than when I had great plans of heading into an expensive tertiary education to find myself. A degree isn’t everything. There are so many successful people out there who don’t have fancy degrees behind their name who are doing exceptionally well for themselves.
My brother is one of those people and I look to him as a role model. I am incredibly proud to be his sister. He has worked so hard and through that hard work he has achieved so much for himself. He has not only made a wonderful career for himself but he has also been an amazing sibling to me, he has a beautiful family and, most importantly, it is through him that I have received the opportunity to be an aunt to an amazing little girl who is the light of my life.
Seeing my little niece just makes my entire day. She isn’t even three yet but in her short time with us she has taught me so much. She has taught me that I actually adore little children, that I will be at my happiest when embracing my inner child and she has taught me what real love feels like. When I am with it’s like all my troubles fade away. I forget that there are other people in the room with us; she just becomes my focus. No one in this world brings me more joy than that little girl with her witty little sayings.
I have also got back into exercising again and it feels wonderful. I will do a full post on my current fitness routine but for now let me just say that yoga is wonderful and I have also realised that being around dogs has a huge positive impact on my life. If only people treated each other like dogs treat people. That is a whole other issue on its own though.
If you made it this far into this terribly long post, thank you for reading.