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Disappearances

I disappeared again and I hate that I did. When I started blogging again in March after my sabbatical I had a vision of posting a minimum of three posts a week. I also had this fire inside me when I got back; I wanted to make my blog great and I badly wanted to learn how to plan ahead especially since I know how life has a way of taking unexpected turns.

The thing is that I am not a planner. I have never been. I have always just taken life as it comes and dealt with whatever I needed to. I might have had a long-term plan but for the most part I lived life in the moment. It is very difficult for me to get stressed, however, I have been incredibly stressed over the last few days which is why I haven’t been able to write.

This feeling started on Thursday. (20/04/16) I had filmed a video for my Tea with Nadine series but when I watched it again I was pathetically unhappy with it and for no real reason. After that, I couldn’t bring myself to write the article to accompany it. I thought that it was the specific article which I was having a problem with so, since I had already photographed a product for an up-coming review, I thought I would post a review instead. I probably stared at a blank Word document for about an hour before deciding it was useless. The following morning I got up early to try to write a post to go up on that morning in my usual time slot. That didn’t go so well either. That is when I decided to announce that I would be taking a short break on Instagram intending on returning to blogging once I felt that feeling of delight when writing again.

Right now, relaxing with a steaming mug of Rooibos tea, I felt it again. I just got home from work and I sat down behind my PC to watch a film. Instead, I found myself opening Word instead. I am back!

I think the reason I was so stressed was because I was preparing to write my theory test for my driver’s license for the second time. The first time I was an absolute idiot. I had underestimated the test and failed as a result.  What made my failure even worse was that I only needed two more marks to pass and had passed two of the three sections. I had failed a test which everyone always claims is incredibly easy… I don’t do so well with failure in general. As much as I can rationalise it by thinking that I had to learn some way, the irrational side of me just sees the failure which made me very anxious going into this test. Even though I knew I was far better prepared for this one, in the back of my mind I kept thinking, “What if I fail again?” Much to my satisfaction, however, I passed and it was the best feeling ever. I felt like I had gained my independence even though I still can’t drive. The fact that I can start learning is just a huge weight off my shoulders and I imagine a huge weight off my mom’s shoulders too.

I am very happy to be feeling more like myself again and I can’t wait to get back to writing and reading. Thank you to everyone who has put up with my nonsense over the last while. I couldn’t have asked for a better blogging community.

P.S I have to thank YouTube for my improved state of mind. I randomly came across ‘Nothing Else Matters’ by Metallica today. I do generally love rock music but I hadn’t really listened to Metallica. It followed an AC/DC song on auto-play and it was one of those moments where the music wasn’t just there to break the silence; I felt the music. It is such a beautiful song and I highly recommend it!

 

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